You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
