cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
