So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
