I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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