Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
