Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
