He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I love you. Go after that dick
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
