come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
