He asked to "fluff my boner.."
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
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Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
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So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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