please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
