Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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