First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
