so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
