My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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