I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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