Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
