what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
