Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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