How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
