She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
