My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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