My Higher Power is John Stamos
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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