Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
