Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
