Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
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All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
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i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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