Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
