I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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