I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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