Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
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You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
God I need to hump something, right now.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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