Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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