yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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