that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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