yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
