I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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