id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
