I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
