I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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