R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I came so hard my ears popped.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
