I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
