I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
