ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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