I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
