Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
