she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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