i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I need a burrito and a hug.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
