Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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