Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I need to calm my uterus...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
