you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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