I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
