when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
