my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize