dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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