I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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