I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
