I accidentally burped into my bong.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
