My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Randomize
