I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
