Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
