Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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