i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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