:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
