I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
last night I used snow as a chaser
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