ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
