In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
And then my night got REAL pukey
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
