You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I need to align my fucking chakras
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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