hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
